Recovery from Doubt

Recovery from Doubt

Its somewhere we have all been.... call it depression...a set back... a moment of insecurity...with me, as I have always done, I learned to live with it, I went on working and socialising while in the back of my mind I silenced my negative criticism as it arised, I felt it rise to my chest where I would freeze, catch my self or retreat to my bed and bad habits. I kept on pushing because frankly, I had to, I wore my smile and encouraged others to smile. the method of giving myself to others has always been a form of therapy for me. To focus my care and shine a light on others, but there comes a time where it is not enough to patch up your own wounds, I had to heal from the inside out. as god is within, to truly understand what I needed to heal, I asked myself what was really going on, I prayed and listened.

from my observations of my life routines, I see I was linking my resourcefulness to my self-worth and i felt on a subconscious level without helping others I would be worthless, but I came to realise by not helping myself I would render my own being worthless by depleting my character, my energy, and my health.

I needed to dedicate time to re-exploring myself and bad addictive habits i was using to cope with things i felt i couldn't change about my life and routine, i also had to observe what made me latch on to them, after knowing it was detrimental to my long term happiness, I had to re-evaluate my reason for waking up, I looked into what made me tick and what made me smile, what was effortless for me... and what I needed to train myself in.

During this process like a person in rehab I longed for my old self and coping strategies, the me that made it all happen the way I felt it should, but by doing so i would be sacrificing my internal happiness, I experienced cognitive dissonance in a way that I literally had to tell myself "no! it won't work that way because you have done that tried it that way and there was no change" and when all else failed I surrendered my thoughts to the most high, who was my initial indication that my habits where ruining my path, destiny planned for my soul that i could long feel the calling for but felt it to be a responsibility waiting for me or a burden to soon hit, what made it feel this way was my lack of preparation by wasting my time with insecurities and feelings of doubt and worries and burdens that wasn't in my interest i deterred my life training to one of life coping. imagine! before i evan got to live.

My most exalted lesson and the only thing I care for anyone to take away from this, is that attaching self-worth to anything other than the creator will always leave room for doubt, We have our moments of genius, lets bring value to others and the world. to set that as your ground for self worth is dangerous, The most highs wholeness keeps you and me whole, and will fill us up with guidance to continue our feet on the path. that is ours to experience .

the video below is an expression of observing my reflection trying to co-exist with it and making peace with self.